Sad News from March

We were planning to have a fun surprise for you all, but instead it turned out to be sad news.  I was waiting until I had an ultrasound and official due date (middle of September was our guess) to tell people that I was expecting a California addition to our family.  It took me a while to decide on a hospital and doctor, so I didn't end up calling for an appointment until I was 12 or 13 weeks along.  They wanted me to go get lab work done first, so I never made it to an actual appointment  because I started spotting and then bleeding later that week, then early Sunday morning I had a miscarriage.  It was not fun. 

I appreciated reading what friends and strangers have posted on their blogs about miscarriage.  It gave me some idea of what to expect.  That is why I will candidly post about my own experience.  If you don't want all the details skip past this next paragraph.

10 March 2013-- At about 4am I woke with cramping/contractions and then felt a gush.  I woke Mike and went into the bathroom.  I then bled (like a faucet, mind you) sitting on the toilet for 2 hours straight.  Lots of blood and big clots.  I had no idea a miscarriage was so bloody.  The contractions increased much like labor, though it wasn't as intense (though for many people it apparently is).  I threw up more in that time than I have with all my other pregnancies put together (besides that one time I had the stomach flu while pregnant, but that doesn't count as pregnancy throw-up).  It was not nice.  Mike, bless his angel heart, was with me the whole time, trying to keep me comfortable, listening to my moaning, and bringing me OJ (before I threw up) which turned out to be a very good choice.  Once I passed the "products of conception" (the lovely term the medical world uses to describe the sac, baby, placenta, etc), the pain let up considerably.  Two hours is way too long to sit on the throne, so I transferred to the the tub (kept letting the water out and refilling it).  After another hour, the bleeding had calmed down enough to where I thought I could shower and get dressed.  It was just the standing up part that I couldn't quite manage.  I turned the shower on a took a sitting shower, then managed to dress and get into bed without passing out.  Mike brought me some cereal and I slept the rest of the day away.  

I'm so glad that it happened on a Sunday so I could have Mike there and send the kids to church with Grammy.  I can't imagine how horrific many other scenarios could have been (oh just the thought makes me cringe).  I feel very blessed in that regard.  Assuming that I passed everything, it looked like the pregnancy stopped developing earlyish on... maybe six or eight weeks?  That's a wild guess.  So I think this would be what they call a "missed miscarriage" where you don't lose the pregnancy right away after the baby stops developing.  I'm glad I didn't know about it ahead of time and have to wait to pass the baby or have the option of a D&C.  I'm glad that it happened naturally, but without all the waiting.  Though, I've had that lovely morning sickness/exhaustion/ick since the beginning of the year (and it seemed particularly bad this time, despite what people say about sickness meaning a healthy pregnancy) so it would have been nice to be done with that fruitless misery sooner.  In a week or so I will go in for an ultrasound to make sure everything is cleared out.  I'm not in a hurry to go through any of that again, so don't plan on any babies any time soon.

Well that is probably more physical stuff than you wanted to read... on to the emotional side.  Friday night was when I started bleeding (as opposed to just spotting), so I was clued in as to where this might be headed.  After tears and prayer, I decided to turn it over to the Savior and accept Heavenly Father's will, whatever it was, and just prayed that we would feel the peace of the Savior through whatever was in store.  It was a good pre-grieving time for me, that helped Sunday's events go as smoothly as possible.  The physical stuff was not nice at all, so I'm glad that I wasn't a complete emotional wreck at the same time.  I truly have been blessed with peace.  I have felt especially blessed to be able to raise three wonderful kiddos.  Though you should not say to someone in my situation "as least you have three other healthy kids," I feel like Heavenly Father has really increased my awareness of this great blessing.  Lately I have been wanting to improve my relationships individually with the kiddos and spend more one-on-one time with them, but I have just felt so icky that I can barely manage to keep everyone fed.  On Monday I felt like a new person physically (besides sore abs and sore toilet-sitting muscles) and have taken advantage of that the spend better time with the kids.  Thanks to an early decision we made right after we found out we had lost Lily, I already have a testimony that asking "why" and being angry at God are complete wastes of energy, so we didn't even have to go there.