While we miss Lily dearly and are sad to not have her with us, we have been blessed immensely by having her in our family. We knew from the beginning that we could allow this experience to increase our testimonies of and strengthen our relationships with God and the Savior, or do the opposite. We chose to grow and have been richly blessed. Lily's life has blessed mine in many ways. I know I am a better person than I would have been otherwise.
One of the things I've learned is touched on in this excerpt from the birthday letter I wrote her in 2008:
In the days and weeks and months after you left us, I finally learned something that I had always struggled with. I learned compassion. I remember going to the grocery store not long after your death. My world still had not started spinning again. I felt like a zombie as I walked up and down the aisles. I watched other shoppers who seemed so light-hearted and carefree, then our clerk who was friendly as usual. I was bothered that people could not just look at me and see that my heart was broken and my world had come crashing down. I wanted everyone to know that my little baby had just died. Surprisingly, it didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't see through their hearts either. Suddenly, I was embarrassed and very conscious of my actions. Surely there were others around me with broken hearts that I couldn't see. Was I being gentle? Was I careful of what I said? Did I do everything I could to ease their burdens? This epiphany in Macey's was a powerful lesson on compassion that I would not have been capable of learning without having experienced a profound heartbreak.
It is impossible to know what others are struggling with or what is in their hearts, so it is so important to be kind and gentle with everyone all the time. I like the verse shared on several occasions by President Thomas S Monson:
I have wept in the night
For the shortness of sight
That to somebody’s need made me blind;
But I never have yet
Felt a tinge of regret
For being a little too kind.
-Anonymous
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We visited our special spot as usual. We went on Saturday, a few days early. Looking at pictures from last year's birthday visit to Lily's Angel (that's what we call the Christmas Box Angel), you would never guess it was the same time of year. Last year it was in the 60s and Eliza is in short sleeves. This year it was around forty degrees colder!
I didn't want to get Caleb out in the frigid weather, so we just propped him up to prove he was really there.
We enjoy visiting the botanical garden exhibit that is also in Washington Park.
3 comments:
We were thinking about Lily on her birthday :). We love you guys!
Hey Steph, I don't mean to pry and if you don't feel like talking about it, I understand completely! But I did not know you had a Lily and that he has passed away. I just wondered what happened 3 years ago? Do you think you could email me and share your story if you don't mind? When I read this, it brought tears to my eyes and I just had no idea! I am so sorry you have had to go through this.
There is a girl in our ward who just found out the baby she is carrying, due in May, will die shortly after birth due to an inoperable heart defect. My heart aches for her, and you, as I have thought of your similar situation of loosing a baby. I think it's wonderful that you choose to remember Lily and celebrate her life, and remember that someday you will be reunited!
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